Category: Funny


Smart Wife


There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money,
and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take
all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to
the afterlife with me.”

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box with her;
she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that
money in there with your husband.”

The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m an honest loyal wife, I can’t go back
on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket
with him.”

“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”

“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account
and wrote him a check.. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

Advertisements

SCHOOL – 1957 vs. 2010


Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2010 – Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 – Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 – Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie’s parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car
and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

20010 – Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 – Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

2010 – Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from Guy Fawkes,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

1957 – Ants die.

2010- State Police, Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


My wife was watching a cooking program the other day.

I said, “What you watching that for? You can’t cook.”

She said, “You watch porn.”

Bitch.


An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the pane l in the confessional, the man said:

“Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis . So I hid her in my attic.”

The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”

“There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays. ”

The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”

“And what is that?” asked the priest.

“Should I tell her the war is over?”


A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum
deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t
sell rectum deodorant and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

‘I’m sorry,’ says the pharmacist,

‘We don’t have any.’

‘But, I always buy it here,’ says the blonde .

‘Do you have the container that it came in?’ asks the pharmacist.
‘Yes,’ said the blonde , ‘I’ll go home and get it.’

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks
at it and says to her,

‘This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.’

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from
the container …

**(Are you ready for this one!?)**

“To Apply…Push Up Bottom”


A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He sits down at the bar to have a drink when the bartender screams,

“Did you see what your Monkey just did?”
“No, what?” asks the man

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table…WHOLE!”

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy,

“He eats everything in sight, I’m sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.”

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the
monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again and has his Monkey with him. He orders a drink and the Monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the Monkey finds a bowl of Maraschino Cherries on the bar.

He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. Then the Monkey finds a peanut, again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted,

“Did you see what your Monkey did now?”

“No, what?” replied the man.

“Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out and ate them!” said the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” the guy replied,

“He still eats everything in sight but ever since he had to shit that cue ball, he measures everything first.”


Blonde's Diary

Husband Day Care Center




“The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases, who lived in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-Darao. These cities had the best drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them.

Ancient India was full of myths which have been handed down from son to father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology, which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors.

In olden times there were two big families in India . One was called the Pandava and the other was called the Karova. They fought amongst themselves in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as Mera Bharat Mahan.

In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the Mowglis.

The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana. But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept 300 porcupines.
Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had not been invented at that time. He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shaikh Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangezip came to Bombay to fight Shivaji. However, after that they changed its name to Mumbai because Shivaji’s sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi , so they are calling it Door Darshan.

After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was circumcising India with a 100 foot clipper. Then came the British. They brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries, pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side.

Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much diversity in our unity. The British overruled India for a long period. They were great expotents and impotents. They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth. This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted to produce his own salt. This was called the swedish moment. During this moment, many people burnt their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian testiles.

In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he became the father of the nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment, so named because the British were quietly lootaoing our country. In 1947, India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our population. Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police. Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in prison if you have not paid your taxis.

Another important thing about our constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the British constipation because it is not written on paper. The Indian Parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe said that two houses divided against itself cannot withstand.

So Pandit Nehru asked the British for freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark. At midnight, on August 15, there was a tryst in Parlemint in which many participated by wearing khaki and hosting the flag.

Recently in India , there have been a large number of scams and a plaque. It can be dangerous because many people died of plaque in Surat . Scams are all over India . One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not given anything to eat by their elected leader. The other scam was in Bofor which is a small town in Switzerland . In this, a lot of Indian money was given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot .

Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties, left, right and centre. It has started to library the economy. This means that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by itself. India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their poverty, pollution and population.”

%d bloggers like this: